From the Skippy Files – June 2, 2009

Two days after the fact I'm still in amazement that twenty golfers showed up to play last Sunday, freezing temperatures and howling winds notwithstanding.  Only mad dogs and Canadians, I tell ya!  Apparently, only Jackie managed to break 90 while all the others blew their collective brains out.  Knowing this eventuality kept yours truly off the course, safely and snugly secluded underneath bed covers.  We haven't had much luck with the weather thus far this year, but long range forecasts are finally indicating a rise in temperatures, so let's all keep our fingers crossed.

The Lockeroom tournament is only a few days away, so don't forget to stock up on “essential” supplies.  I'll be carrying a good-sized stockpile of sandwiches and snacks, so if anyone has anything to barter be sure to see me before we tee off.  Also, I'm sure that the usual rounds of silly wagers will be offered and accepted, but I'll inform you all up front that I'll be taking a pass this year.  You know, being saddled with the human handicaps Will and Rick F. and all!!!

Ever wonder how some pro golfers got their nicknames?  Well, here are a few that will help settle a few bar bets....

Jack Nicklaus – When he first started playing the tour, he was known as Ohio Fats.  An Australian writer observed that he looked more like a “cuddly golden bear”.  The name stuck!

Nancy Lopez – A friend of hers was quoted as saying that she got the nickname “Skeech” because of her habit of laying strips of rubber with her car.

Sergio Garcia - “El Nino” got his name from fellow professional Jose Manuel Lara because of his habit of “rushing around the course like a hurricane”.

Aaron Baddeley – Earned the nickname “Dresses” because of his poor taste in clothing. (Get it?  Dresses Baddeley.)

K. J. Choi - “Tank” got his nickname because before he became a golfer he was a power lifter.

Johnny Miller – After winning the Tucson Open three years in a row, Johnny was tagged with the appellation “The Desert Fox”.

Craig Stadler – According to golf writer Dan Jenkins “The Walrus” was so named because “he is built like a freezer and has a moustache that is only slightly smaller than the forest around Lake Tahoe.”

Miscellaneous quotes about the Deity that all golfers pray to at one time or another while on the

course....

“If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast.  If God wants to play through, I let him!”

-                    Bob Hope

“If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and you are afraid of being hit by lightning, hold up a one iron.  Not even God can hit a one iron.” - Lee Trevino

“The only time my prayers go unanswered is on the golf course.” - Billy Graham

“I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain.” - Bob Hope (again)

“I'm gambling that when I get to the next life, St. Peter will look at me and ask 'golfer?'  And when I nod he'll step aside and say, 'Go right in. You've suffered enough.'  One warning:  If you go in and the first thing you see is a par three surrounded by water, it ain't heaven” - Jim Murray

And finally, one last quote from the world number one...

“Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps” - Tiger Woods

See ya on the links at the Lockeroom tournament.  Skippy out!

From the Skippy Files – May 10, 2009

Well, this place certainly looks familiar!  Let's see...same pop up icons, same groundhog dodging a putt, same stupid grin on the face of your faithful scribe...

Yes, I'm back from my exile of 18 months with a renewed energy, a mittful of new resources and, unfortunately, far too much time on my hands.  Combine these three facts and the result will be a new series of silly columns designed solely to waste your time and maybe give you a chuckle or two now and again.  This time around I promise that I will try to resist the temptation to use this as a personal soapbox and instead stick to the subject around which this website is dedicated.  Remember, I said TRY.

Well a new season is upon us and with it a new spirit of optimism.  The Wanker Cup is already beginning to be the topic of lively debate at the pub.  Although I have yet to get out for my first round, I have a feeling that this year is going to be a good one for me personally.  I finished on a great note (for me, anyway) last year, finally breaking ninety before the snow started flying, and I'm really hoping that it will carry through to this year.

Having said that, a poem comes to mind that surely will resonate with all of us eternally optimistic golfers.  It goes like this...

I read the column Nicklaus writes

And bought a book by Floyd

About the things that I should do

And those I should avoid

On TV I watch Dave Leadbetter

The noted short game whiz

And listen rapt to all he tells

To make my swing like his

I also buy the latest gear

From folks like Taylormade

For promise they to cure my ills

My slices, hooks, and fades

And all the while I'm thinking hard

About the mental game

But I'm here today to tell you friend

My score remains the same!

Here's another interesting little morsel that I recently came across.  I'm sure you are all familiar with the term anagram, which is the practice of rearranging letters within words or phrases to spell something else that relates to the original word.  Here are five that fit our theme, four of which might put a smile on your face, and the fifth one will send shivers down your spine if you believe that a person's name will greatly shape his or her destiny in life.  Here goes...

UNITED STATES OPEN GOLF CHAMPIONSHIPS

                                  becomes

SEEING MEN FLOP CHIPS AND PUTTS IS A HOOT

PHIL MICKELSON

          becomes

HELP!  I'M IN LOCKS!

THE HONOURABLE COMPANY OF EDINBURGH GOLFERS

                                            becomes

A GREATER BUNCH OF UNEMPLOYED HIGHBORN FOOLS

THE IRISH GOLFER PADRAIG HARRINGTON

                               becomes

A HERO ARISING....LEFT OR RIGHT HAND GRIP?

And now, here's the really scary one that makes you think...

ELDRICK “TIGER” WOODS

                   becomes

STICK WIELDER...OR GOD?

See ya on the course

Skippy out!

WANKER CUP RULES

AS APPROVED BY COMMITTEE ON

AUG 3^RD 2008-08-04

GENERAL RULES

         The winner of the Wanker Cup matches will be awarded the Joe Timmons Memorial trophy, which will remain displayed in the Lockeroom.  If there is a tie, the previous champions will retain the cup. 

     New players to the wanker must play at least 5 rounds during the year to be eligible to play in the Wanker Cup.

    Veteran players must play at least 2 rounds to be eligible to play.

     Committee to decide before each cup which players are on each team, depending on needs of each team, or unless the player is an obvious wanker/moosehead.

      Players will be placed into A/B/C/D categories for the purpose of playing a fair match against equal opposition

    Captains will be given a team list before the cup starts.  They are then responsible for placing their players into matches.

     IN SINGLES ONLY…… the committee will take each match on a case by case basis to see if strokes need to be awarded to make the match fair…ie.  If there is a vast difference between players handicap’s 80% of that difference may be awarded to the player with the lower handicap.

    If players are missing from a flight, it is the captain’s choice who he moves up into the higher flight.  You can’t  move a player down once he has been ranked in a flight.  This may mean another player may have to sit out a round, again that is the captain’s choice.

   NO players will be brought in after teams have been set… ie no last minute replacements not already on a team.

   Once a match is set by the captains it can NOT be changed.  If a player can’t make it, and there is a player in a lower group available, he can move into that match.  NO other matches can be changed  to accommodate the change.  NO changes after the Wednesday before the round.  If a player does not show, or can’t play his match it is a forfit.

    NO matches can be changed to play on a date other than that of the official Wanker Cup dates.  Ie.. If you are not available to play on a date, you can’t ask to play your match before.

PLAYING RULES

    Doubles Matches

          You are allowed a club length.  No closer to the hole.  You can’t move to improve your lie.  Ie….can’t go from rough to fairway.

           Tip ups are allowed,

            Stroke and distance rules apply.  Take a one stroke penalty and hit where ball entered the hazard.

            Gimmies are allowed, they MUST be inside the length of the flag…NO exceptions.

    It is the responsibility of the players to police your opponent.  If you are not sure of a rule ask them.

SINGLES PLAY

   There is NO club length in these matches.  Again tip ups are allowed.

     ALL matches are match play.  1 point will be awarded to the winner of the match. ½ point will be awarded to each team if there is a tie.

  CARTS ARE MANDITORY IN LAST ROUND….SINGLES MATCHES

Hey Google, Thanks !

Yesterday, the search term " why do wives hate golf" led some poor soul to the front door of my blog.

If someone is so desperate to hear this answer that they google it, then by all means come on in and have a seat.

Reasons:

 #1. Golf is stupid.

#2. You spend more money on golf than you do on taking your wife anywhere (the doctor's office does not count because it is your fault we got knocked up).

#3. You have ADD so badly that you cannot mow the lawn all in one attempt. But yet, you manage to keep your concentration for 4 hours straight on the golf course. Lucky for you I have attached a little white dimpled ball to the front of the mower so maybe you can chase that around while the mower is on.

#4. Did I say 4 hours ? Well, that all depends doesn't it ? Sometimes it takes you 4 hours and others it takes you 6 and when it does take you 6 and I question that you act as if it always has and I'm losing my mind for not remembering that.

#5. You think that getting a new club is an excuse for having to play this God awful game again, no matter that you just played yesterday. You don't see me buying a new brand of tampons and insisting I go swimming right this second to try them out and make sure they work.

#6. The delusion that the beer girl wants to nail you right there on the 9th fairway, is just that. A delusion. She's just like a stripper honey, the more you like her, the more you buy. And the more you buy, the drunker you get. The more drunk you get, the more you tip her.

#7. You do not have to play golf every time you are invited. Ya just don't. Really, they won't meet you at the playground at 3:30 and beat you up if you don't. Even though I remind you of that, you remind me that it's bad business to decline an invitation. Really ? How about bad marriage advice 101 ? It's worse to tell your wife that-- even though she is sick, 3 of your kids are sick and the other 3 are acting like they found a meth lab --that you're gonna go hit the sticks because you don't really feel like being at work today. Well, guess what ? Maybe your wife doesn't feel like being married today fucker.